Keys to Conflict Resolution: Admitting that you don't know.

The ska-punk band, Reel Big Fish, writes great songs, and performs them brilliantly. While a lot of their lyrics are not suitable for mixed company (i.e., they’re likely not the kind of thing you’ll ask your mother or priest to listen to), they blend comedy, tragedy, and social commentary with astonishing ease, clarity, and entertainment.

One such song – titled, “You don’t know” – bears relevance to a principle of conflict resolution.

The song starts out with characteristic profanity to express the protagonist’s intense dislike for whomever it is the song is sung to. That other person is someone who has shared some unwanted opinion about the singer – about what they like, or think, or do – to which the song responds:

I don’t need your opinion…

‘Cuz you don’t know what it’s like,

No, you don’t know what it’s like,

And you don’t know what it’s like to be like me.

You don’t know,

So keep your mouth shut.

It would be the unusual person who hasn’t sometimes felt that way about some other person’s unrequested feedback about their personal traits or choices. But this isn’t where the song speaks to a principle of conflict resolution. That comes later, after several bars of brass fanfare, when the singer finally says,

Well, finally that’s the way it is:

I like something you don’t…

But it’s a waste of time,

We can’t change our opinions.

You know what else?

Oh, oh, oh,

I don't know what it's like

I don't know what it's like

I don't know what it's like to be like you.

I don't know,

So, I'll keep my mouth—

While the song doesn’t model best practices for resolving conflicts, it does reflect one of the best attitudes to bring into the resolution process: The admission that we don’t know – no, we don’t know – what it’s like to be the person we’re contending with.

Unless we have already invested the time, attention, and energy necessary to do so, we don't know their backstory, their baggage, their fears or insecurities, their values or goals. And even where there has been some of that investment, we typically can't really know their subjective experience of the circumstances that we share.

Without admitting our limitations, and being genuinely willing to listen to and understand them more than we speak at and impose upon them, we’re going to find it very difficult to reach a resolution that will satisfy both their and our own valid needs and concerns.

Other wise sayings from many times and cultures have shared the same idea – from the observation that we have two ears and only one mouth, implying we should listen twice as much as we speak, to the adage about walking a mile in another person’s moccasins.  To resolve conflicts, we need to be prepared to allow the other person to speak for themselves, and to apply whatever degree of empathy we possess to obtain understanding. Without it, we’re likely to persist in condescension, competition and confrontation, letting the potential for compromise and conciliation be missed.